One of the genius ideas from my semi-dickless ex-producers (Still confused about the one) was to put my profile up on FaceBook to promote the show. Completely dickless (the one I'm sure about) is on Facebook all day long and thought it would be a great promo.  

I have never found the need for MySpace, FaceBook, SecondLife, Personal ads or hookers. I guess what I am saying is, I have always been able to make friends the old fashion way in REAL life. But for the sake of selling tickets I sold out and thought, what the heck it's just promotion. So I reluctantly enter the world of Facebook. 

The first thing I notice when I log in is a conversation I am having with a couple of people I don't know. You see, because I was inexperienced in the ways of Face, dickless hired a surrogate to respond for me. It was weird to say the least.  People were asking questions and leaving messages, and I was responding ....with inane and poorly written phrases I never would use like.. "Golly, gee, for sure, as if"... I found out my surrogate was actually an English girl in her 2o's who did not know how to spell the word ventriloquism.   

To save Face (pun intended) I took over the day to day FaceOperations so I could at least answer questions in complete sentences. I tried my best. I posted pictures, provided updates, joined groups and welcomed "friends" into my "network".  I "tagged photos", posted comments, and even dared to "write on the wall" of a few sites. There are 16 billion ways to communicate on FaceBook, instantly, publicly, privately, in a group, selected friends only, your network and you can even "poke" someone. I don't know... and frankly don't want to know what that is.  

You can file a credit card and send emotional icons to people.  Friend of your's have a bad day? Send them a little sticker of a Care Bear that says, "Got a Boo Boo?" it only costs 5 bucks on Visa or Mastercard.  I found a way to link FaceBook to my blackberry so I could get instant messages any time...(big mistake, took that off real fast). There were applications I could download to share videos, make noises and create greeting card invitations.  Not invitations to real life parties, why bother leaving the computer when you can party on line.  I'll send you a little icon sticker of a beer, won't that be a blast. We can even share photos from years ago when we went to real parties and drank real beer.  I found I could easily spend an hour a night just trying to keep up. It was work.  Keeping up with FaceBook gives you no time to have a real social life. " I can't meet people, I am too busy making friends..."

I suddenly get a lot of "will you be my friend" requests.  Some people I actually know, most I don't, but, hey, I figure it's a game of numbers.  The more friends on the list the more people who might come buy a ticket to my show. These requests come with a picture of the person and a three choice buttons. "Yes, No and Ignore"  Yipes,  Ignore? How cold is that.   

I say yes to every friend request I get. I became the friendliest guy on FaceBook.  I am the cyber world equivalent of  that guy at the bus station with a big smile and a vacant look saying, "I'd sure like to be your friend" as I drool on my shoes. But, hey, it works a lot better on FaceBook than it would at the Greyhound station, and I soon have a lot of friends.

Then I look at my friend list and I see that 90% of them are students of my college roommate who teaches at Louisiana Tech.  Louisiana Tech, Ruston, Louisiana perhaps not the audience pool that will be able to support my London show. I am starting to question the logic of this promotional idea.  And it is now totally out of control.  Logging in to FaceBook is now like going to a family reunion when you have Alzheimer's. There are people telling me things. Giving me information. I don't know why, I don't know who, I don't understand.  I do know the very second I don't know, cause all communications are time stamped. "Hi from Dulce - 6:23pm, July 21, 2008"   Gee, it's now 7:04pm is it too late to respond?  It's exhausting and my show has CLOSED.  Wait, I get it... dickless had no time to produce my show... He is on FACEBOOK.

I know some of you reading this have found great fun with FaceBook. More power to you, are we still friends even off line?  But as a friend let me say, if you are spending more than ten minutes a day on FaceBook, well, you might want to think about the breaking information you are getting with this cyber intercourse.  Here is an example of the "update" I got just today: 

Ken was actually productive today
Bob is working on being new and improved
Marc is whitewater rafting with 2 dear friends
Don is having a great time practicing and choosing repertoire for a chamber music concert in october
Paulette is burnt like a lobster
Stewart is leanin like cholo
Andrew is looking for a grown-up production manager
Joshua is trying to be inconspicuous.
Lana is waiting for her husband to come home

....And 

Jay is very worried about Ken, Bob, Marc, Don, Paulette, Stewart, Andrew, Joshua, Lana, and his other 300 (and counting) friends .  

My FaceBook friends turn off the computer walk, out side, knock on the first door  you see, say to them that you are "burnt like a lobster". Find out how much a real person actually cares. You will then understand what a Poke really is.

As you were,

Jay