Requiem for the ARTS

 by Walter Helmhurst  and David Wylie. 

 

 The ARTS Theater located near Leicester Square in London's West End, known to readers of this blog as the Arts Theatre (Of Death!) is dead. The official time of death is not known, but it is believed to be some time around July 4th only days after the opening of Jay Johnson: The Two and Only. Ironically the theater that killed so many shows through neglect is now itself dead.  

The Arts Theater (Of Death!) was not pronounced dead immediately since it has appeared lifeless for several months if not years.  One West End  theater goer when told of the news had this to say, "I am shocked to hear about the ARTS Theater. Not to say I am shocked about the death.  I am shocked to find out that building was a theatre. I assumed it was the repository of old show posters and rodent feces." 

PlayBill.com reported the death in these words.  "London's Arts Theatre, most recently home to the short-lived U.K. run of Jay Johnson's The Two and Only, has closed down pending a redevelopment of the entire site, which is expected to include provision for a new theatre space."  There is much excitement about this "new theater space" since an actual "theater space" has not existed at that location since Noel Coward left. 

There is speculation as to the actual cause of death to the old storage facility/theatre.  One publicist surmised that in recent reviews of "Jay Johnson: The Two and Only", the last show to perform there, one reporter proclaimed 'The ARTS Theatre finally has a hit'.  It is believed the shock of this reality caused the ARTS to suffer a heart attack.

  

Jay Johnson, now the last actor who will ever perform on the ARTS Theater (Of Death!) Stage, was contacted to see if he had any comments.  He said this, "When my show left the Helen Hayes Theatre in New York, they decided to close it down and completely gut it.  After my show left the ARTS in London they decided to tear it down completely. I would say my show is having an impact on theatre world wide."  

The ARTS is survived by two dickless producers, three Limey Bastards, one thousand Two and Only posters  and a secret bank fund in the Cayman Islands allegedly containing four weeks of back up budget reserves.  Due to an unfortunate lack of interest on the part of the surviving family no services will be held, but condolences and comments on this site are invited. 

As you were,

Jay