Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Automatic Dialing
Smart phones are too smart these days.  I don't even know my parents phone number by heart, but the smart phone does.  Not to suggest that the smart phone has a heart.  A smart phone has no emotions or else it would be called something like the petulant phone or supportive phone or even the melancholy phone for lonely people. A smart phone is just what the name says it is,  it is smart and it is a phone. But now I think the device is doing less phone work and more smart work, smart ass is more like it, but they don't have an ass either.  All they are is smart and they don't care about human feelings.  That is where smart becomes arrogant.
I wrote a blog about the picture I took that my phone sent to several people I did not want to receive it. Really Smart phone. It wasn't that bad, but what if it had been something more provocative?  I can always claim that my account was hacked and someone is trying to frame me by posting compromising pictures.  That line of defense worked so well for Anthony Weiner some months back.
So the house phone rings, I answer and there is no one there.  That's followed closely by the ringing of my Smart phone. I answer that phone and there is no one on the line.  After no one answered on the third call, I hung up and redialed the incoming  number. It is busy. I hang up.
Moments go by and the cell phone rings again... same number. I answer.  It is my friend Harry who says,
"My penis loves you." 
I say, "How could that be because I am certain that I have never even met your penis."
"Well, something is going on between you two because it keeps dialing your number."
"Was that you who called four times and didn't answer."
"No. I didn't call. It was my penis."
"You mean you butt dialed me..."
"I keep my phone in my front pocket. My butt had nothing to do with it... It was my.."
I blurt it out before he can say it, "Penis.  So now that I am talking to you. What's up."
"We just talked yesterday. I have done nothing since then to talk about."
"Did I tell you about the show we saw...."
"Yeah..... But I got to go. Can't talk right now."
"You called me."
"It was my penis......If you guys want to talk I'll put the phone back in my pocket."
"Thanks no.... I'm hanging up now."
"I think I'll have to change your speed dial number to keep my penis from calling."
"Do what you have to do, but make sure whomever gets my old speed dial number knows your penis"

Here is the point.  If a smart phone will create and allow a conversation like the one above to take place, you can't really say they are that smart. A totally unnecessary communication that traveled thousands of miles at lightning speed through the air and over optical cables to connect. 
Here is a thought.  I wonder what the actual cost in technology is when someone butt dials a number from their contact list. Whatever income no matter how small goes to the provider.  So...What if every smart phone had a random time programed into the software that generated a pocket (or penis) call, not often enough that you would notice. It would be an extensive algorithm designed to keep the calls above suspicion.  That few cents multiplied by all the smart phones in the USA comes to quite a lot of Benjamin's.  And.. It is always a call to someone in your contacts that you know. You will call them back and have a conversation. Just like what happened with me and my friend Harry. To have the engaging conversation we had generated five small phone calls before we actually talked.  I am sensing a money generating smart phone virus that is duping us all out of money.  Perhaps we need to call it what it is.... A sucker phone.
As you were,


P. Grecian said...

The dialogue exchange made me laugh. The theory about butt-dialing (or penis-dialing) being a plot by the phone people made me stop and think. It's just possible....hmmmm.

Bob Conrad said...

It seems like a good reason not to keep your cell phone in your pants pocket, unless you want to talk to Harry's unlisted body parts.