LAST MINUTE VALENTINES

I don't know who is reading this besides you and occasionally Howard Stern, but this Sunday is Valentine's day. There is debate on how Valentine's Day began and what it actually means. Some say Valentine was a priest who performed marriages for young couples which was against the law in the time of Claudius of Rome.

Others say Valentine was a prisoner who fell in love with the jailer's daughter and sent her a romantic note before his death and signed it.. "From your Valentine."Other stories tell of a hero named Valentine who helped innocent men escape from Roman prisons. Valentine's day occurs around the time of other pagan celebrations and precedes lent and spring solstice. February 14th is either the day Valentine died, the day he was executed, the day he was born or the day he was baptised. Those are just facts.

If you are a male of the human species, none of that matters. Here is what it really means. If you have a relationship with another human still living and you wish to keep, foster, improve or begin sharing "benefits" from that relationship... you better not let Valentine's Day go by without planning and preparation. Both planning and preparation conclude with appropriate gifts to the one you expect "benefits" from.

Valentine's Day is a female celebration of manipulation over males. The celebration has been carefully crafted for centuries, if you are a male don't try to fight it.

Remember in grade school when you had to bring Valentine's cards for everyone in the class? Who made that a class assignment? Your teacher. Your female teacher! For years Mothers, sisters, girlfriends, lovers and wives have drilled us men with yearly, Valentine's day training exercises until, like Pavlov's's dogs, we think slobbering on cue is *our* idea.

Gay, straight, young, old, beautiful or OMG ugly -it makes no difference, all males have been conditioned to subliminally respond to Valentine's Day stimuli and marketing.

Flowers, candy, cards, poems and something red in the shape of a heart is mandatory. Gifts for the bedroom are encouraged because it sends the proper signals for the desired result of your gift giving efforts.

Here is a suggestion for all you last minute lovers. It is a great gift for the bedroom. Very clever, inventive and thought provoking, and exactly the WRONG thing to get for your Valentine on Sunday. In case the image is too blurry, it is a decapitated horse head pillow. (I didn't make this up.... you can find it at HorseHead Pillow.com)

I love the "Godfather" and a pillow depicting one of the more famous scenes in that movie is great, but it will probably send the wrong message to your lover. I suggest you "make an offer they can't refuse" on another level.

That's all. Now that you know what not to get you're lover, you're on your own to find the perfect gift that symbolizes your love.

I will be giving my lady a small gift, a personally designed Valentine card and an original poem written just for her. I have been making cards and writing poems to her on this day for over 30 years. Yeah it's work, but I have been married to the same lovely woman all that time and she hasn't signed the form for the authorization of my accidental death and dismemberment.... YET.

By the time you read this you have less than 48 hours to come up with something romantic for your relationship.... your love life is on the clock... GO
As you were,
Jay