Network Test
Part 2 of 2 parts

I can't think of anything more intimidating, more defeating and more odious to say to someone about to audition a Network test for a cutting edge comedy show than, " Wow, you better really be funny." I sank deeper into the devil couch. Like Alice in wonderland either the room was getting bigger or I was getting smaller. I couldn't study the script any more. As I seemed to be getting smaller the task became insurmountable.

Perhaps another 20 minutes past slowly by. I watched the blond receptionist perform her job. It consisted of being intimidatingly beautiful and telling visitors to have a seat and wait. Once the blond had shown you the seat she was done with you. Eventually an assistant to the person you were waiting to see would come out to the lobby and lead you to the proper office. I did notice there was a hidden drawer in the large, shiny, hardwood desk. It contained basic survival gear for the blond. There was a small compact mirror, lipstick, eye shadow and a few other necessities. When no one was looking the blond would secretly open the drawer and take a quick survey of her appearance.

After some more time the casting directors came back out to my shrinking universe to say that Pam Dixon had been freed from the elevator. She was heading to her office. If she felt like it, the Network test would continue, if she didn't then the whole experience would have to be rescheduled. There was one thing that I didn't want to do, and that was come back and do this all over again. The casting directors left but not before once again planting the seeds of a mind f---. They parted with this admonition. "Be up and ready and BE FUNNY. Pam is really going to need a laugh if we get to do this today." Thanks ladies, just shoot me now.

Eventually, the ladies returned to say the test is happening. "She seems like she is in a good mood but let's get it over quickly before that changes." They begin to walk me down a very long hallway to the inter sanctum of Pam Dixon. I don't remember much about the walk except retreating into my own mind movie. I was flanked by two guards named Bertrand and Billy Bob. Bertrand would yell out "dead man walkin' " as we pass the other cells. Eddie "the hatchet" could be heard playing a dirge on his harmonica from the last cell before the gas chamber. They opened the door to the chamber and there were all the witnesses lined up ready to watch.

Pam Dixon was behind a big desk, her assistant sat in a chair on the right side of her taking notes. Filling the couch was Paul Witt, Tony Thomas and Jay Sandrich. The casting directors took chairs to my left. A couple of people who went unidentified stood at the back.The only unoccupied seat was in the middle of the room at the center of the semicircle. It was my seat.

There were pleasantries exchanged. How do you do. Nice to meet you. Sorry for the wait. Then came that uncomfortable silence that precedes the start of reading an audition scene. Fortunately I had a champion in the room, the director of the show, Jay Sandrich. He immediately took charge. I will always remember his words and be grateful.

"Pam, we are really blessed to find Jay to play this part. Now that we know who we are writing for we plan to adapt it to his performance. Do you want him to read what we have so far? It is going to change and be rewritten."

Pam Dixon said, "I know Jay's work. I've seen him at the Horn. He doesn't have to read the scene just do one of his routines for me." This is exactly what I did and Pam Dixon laughed. When I finished the room broke into applause as I packed SQUEAKY back into his case.

Jay Sandrich said, "Thank you. Now if you will just wait back out in the reception area while we talk about you, we'll let you know our decision."

A huge weight rolled off my back. It was so much easier to do my routines than to read the script. I skipped back to the mausoleum. I smiled and nodded at the blond who did not remember I had been there before. The room seemed a little smaller, or perhaps my head had grown to fit. In either case it was the first time I had been able to relax in a couple of weeks.

But that didn't last long as the time began to slowly pass by once again. Thirty minutes went by. No one was coming out to talk to me. Why was the decision taking so long? Either Pam liked me or she didn't. She said she knew my club work, which was nothing more than a cosmic gift. Were they having to convince her that the part with me in it worked? I was now imagining all kinds of negative scenarios that were going on in that office.

Finally Jay Sandrich appeared. He was smiling. He came up to me and said, "We forgot you were here. You got the job. Pam loves your work and seems to be a fan. We started talking about her experience in the elevator and everyone forgot why we were here. You can go... you're done...congratulations. They'll give you a call but I'll see you on Monday."

And from that moment on my life took a really exciting turn.

Epilogue: There is a side bar to this whole experience. I found out much later that Pam was in a great mood that day even though she had been stranded in an elevator for a couple of hours. It seems that a young improv comic happened to be in the same elevator car that day. He began to adlib bits and do material off the top of his head entertaining the small audience of elevator riders. They laughed so hard that time passed very quickly. Spirits were high and everyone remained calm during the entire ordeal. The comic was arriving at ABC to attend a concept meeting for a new series that was about to start production. The series was "Mork and Mindy" and the comic was Robin Williams.

It may be the last time that Robin Williams will be my opening act, but Thanks Robin. You sort of made the day that changed my life.

As you were,
Jay