Friday, July 05, 2013

The 5th of July

There has never been much discussion about the Founding Fathers attitude on July 5th.  I imagine that today back in 1776 a bunch of Patriots would be waking up to a new day with a huge Declaration hang over.  
After the signing of the Declaration of Independence they decide to go to Samuel Adams house and drink some of his now famous beer. One thing leads to another in the heat of that sweltering summer evening.  Benjamin Franklin started drinking heavily quoting some of the chestnuts he had written which were thrown out of the final draft. 
The Original Political "Party"
Thomas Jefferson had been burning the midnight oil for several nights before writing and re-writing the document. He was ready for some "me" time so he got into the Adams family rum. 
Caesar Rodney, the oldest member of the Congressional congress, was pissed that John Hancock took up so much room for his signature that the others had to cramp for space.  It didn't take many drinks for Caesar to start yelling at the others to get off his lawn.
William Hooper of North Carolina starting singing "Dixie" off key and he was quickly joined by Edward Rutledge of South Carolina.  The rest of the party goers finally asked them to shut up when they started to sing melancholy versions of Negro Spirituals. 
Finally Samuel Adams wife Elizabeth had enough and tells the whole bunch of them to go home.  Button Gwinnett of Georgia, known to be a mean drunk and says, "That is the very reason you women were not allowed to participate in the Declaration. You females are a bunch of political party poopers." 
Benjamin Franklin grabs John Adams by the shoulders and slurs the words, "I love thee, Man."  
After some stumbling and posturing the group finally leaves the Adams house.  Elizabeth looks at John and says something like, "If you ever declare independence again, I will take the kids and move to Washington, DC to get totally away from politics." 
Sometime around noon on July 5th John Hancock awakes with a splitting headache and a mouth that is dry as  British humor. To his surprise Ben Franklin is sleeping on his couch curled up with an empty bottle of Irish Whiskey. John wakes Ben.  Franklin has no idea where he is or where he left his horse. Hancock says, "Wow, what a night, what a party. You know Ben, I had this stupid dream that we pissed off England with some sort of document."
Ben replies, "That was no dream, Pal. We did it. It was some paper that Jefferson wrote... kind of wordy but it basically said for King George to fuck off." 
Hancock laughs but it hurts his head too much.  He comes to his senses and says, "Wow... I sure hope King George doesn't find out who did it."
"Are you kidding.... we all signed it.  In fact you took up half the page with our scrawl."
"Shit, Ben why didn't some one stop us?"
"Adams said we were signing the invoice for the Congressional Congress catering bill. He didn't want to be the only one responsible for the Squeek and Bubble that Robert Treat Paine ordered for breakfast". 
"Damn... now we've done it. Is it too late for Jefferson to soften it up a little before King George can read it."
"It's too late now, John. I suggest we go over to the pub and have a little of the hair of the dog and wait for a bunch of guys in red coats to arrive."
"I guess.  Boy I wish Aspirin had already been invented."

Happy 5th of July,
As you were, 


Kenny Croes said...

Funny. I don't recall this version in any of David Mccullough's books. I hope he reads your blog, too.

P. Grecian said...

Somehow...that seems right.