Monday, November 14, 2011

The Second Coming
There is a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf a couple of blocks from our church. I rarely pass it by without stopping and ordering an Ice Blended Mocha, after an uplifting Sunday service. In fact it is so much a Sunday ritual for me, I will expect an  IB Mocha from St. Peter the moment of my arrival at the Pearly Gates.  Otherwise it might be hell.
Yesterday started out as any other post sermon Sunday as I entered the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.  The Bean managers moved some of the free standing shelving around so it created more of a defined pathway to the cash register. I felt like I was waiting to board a ride at Disneyland.  As I rounded the corner of this new maze I saw him sitting alone at a small table with his back to the front glass window.  It was Jesus.
Like everyone else in the place I was trying not to overtly stare at the Messiah.  There was no doubt he was causing a silent frenzy. It was the 2000 year old Prophet in the room and the entire shop was trying to avoid eye contact with the good Shepard.  In hindsight it was a fruitless attempt since as the son of God he would be omniscient, I'm sure he knew he was being oggled.

Jesus Texting
At first glance I thought it was perhaps just someone with long brownish hair and beard.... LIKE Jesus.  A few blocks up the street you can find a person that is  LIKE Spiderman posing for pictures at Manns Theatre. But, with a second and third glance I realized that indeed this was no tourist poser, it actually was Jesus of Nazareth. (I tried in vain to snap a covert picture of him, but got only the bottom of his garment, and his hands texting. This is the result here to the right. Wish I had a photo that included his face, but you can take my word for it.)  
He wore an egg shell white, loose neck, coarse cloth robe like tunic tied with a leather strap and sandals.  He was sipping an iced coffee and sending a text message on his smart phone.  I assumed he had ordered only water and turned it into the beverage of his choice. 
It would be easy to dismiss him as just another Hollywood patron still in his Halloween costume, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense that Jesus would be here at this particular CBTL and on this very day. 
Sunset and Fairfax is the edge of the Fairfax district which is predominately Jewish. He would feel comfortable here. It was Sunday... not the Jewish Sabbath but God's day of rest... so he would probably have the day off just relaxing and sipping a quite coffee.  And it seems to me from the Biblical text Jesus liked to be around sinners and, well, Sunset Blvd is the gateway to any sin you would like to find. Again, he would feel comfortable here.  
The only thing that didn't make sense is this: I thought that when Jesus came back it was a big event.  You know lead story in all the papers, surely worth an alert on my iPad news app, you know, the rapture and all that apocalypse stuff. It is supposed to be a big deal. I hadn't heard about it and I am relatively informed.  
That very thought began to bother me.  Maybe I just wasn't on the Rapture list.  Or what if the rapture is actually some sort of "flash mob" event.  I don't follow Jesus on twitter; I don't even know his Twitter account name.  JC@, TheOne@, Suffer4U@, NoSin@ I really couldn't be sure.  So perhaps Jesus had set the rapture up with all the people who do follow him.  Suddenly the word "follower" took on a whole new meaning in this digital age of theology. Through Twitter Jesus could have arranged with all his followers to meet  him right here at the CBTL in Hollywood, after church.  Then at the exact right time Jesus would stand up and yell, "Hallelujah", and the entire patronage would disappear, leaving behind only steaming cups of latt├ęs. 
I waited around for a while, and Jesus kept texting.  I figured if it was the rapture I would grab onto someone when they started sparking and stowaway to heaven.  But Jesus kept on texting, and Sandi was in the car waiting for me.  I didn't really want to go without her.  She will be one of the few people who might stick up for me if I make it to heaven.  So... I got my Ice Blended Mocha and left.  But fore-warned is fore-armed as they say.

I got out my Blackberry and I looked for Jesus on Twitter. He's there and this is what I found...

Do not be sorry my child. Urination is nothing compared to what Judas did to me.

It is obvious from this Tweet that Jesus is back logged with some bed wetting issues and has not been able to deal with the rapture yet.  I think my chances are better hanging out at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in Hollywood than following him on Twitter.  Perhaps St. Peter will let me in with my own Ice Blended Mocha in hand.  I'll see all you true believers there.
As you were,


Tiffany Cox said...

I always liked this one:

Mean John Dean said...

Jay, I would believe you but now that you can buy a Snuggy® in the mall I bet he was was just some guy.
Johnny Parisi