Monday, February 18, 2019

Trying to Face It.

I haven’t been writing much for the last couple months.  I have been drawing more than usual.  I think Art is a way I can emote while keeping my actual feelings to myself.  Unlike writing, visual art leans to the obscure and symbolic, rather that’s the clear and precise.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but they are up to the interpretation of the viewer.  

My writing comes from my story telling ability.  To communicate a story you must be as clear as possible so the reader can understand what you are saying experiencing or feeling.  Honestly, I have not been eager to share what I have been feeling for the last few months.  Every time I would start to hide my emotions in the tale of a personal experience for laughs, it would fall short. 

Since Valentines Day last year I have lost seven people who were special friends.  Any one of them would have been shock enough to throw off my thinking,  but when one experiences that loss more than half a dozen times 12 months, it is overwhelming. That fact is exponentially true regarding this blog for each one of those friends was an itinerant reader of this blog. 

Recently I posted one of my newer drawings on Facebook. My stability was thin over the weekend. It took an almost insignificant event to trigger a major emotional fall.  The picture was not a cry for an intervention but was a little more revealing than I ever wanted to be on Facebook.  

I was touched by the many comments and messages of support I got from my friends still here. In clearer moments of my life I might be able to understand that the number of friends still here, is greater than the ones who have gone.  Depression, however, does not look at the long odds it looks at the short term loss.  I understand intellectually that is my struggle, to rise above the short term downward spiral of depression.  It used to be easier. 

This week marks the one year anniversary of the first of our friends to pass.  She is significant because Dr. Joyce Ducas was not only a beloved sister-in-law, she was also one of the smartest psychologists I have ever known.  One of her specialties was multiple personality disorder.  As a ventriloquist making a living musing about that disorder we had some “delicious” conversations.  She would have been the first person I would turn to in a time like this.  She knew me and what made my depression tick on a level of love that is impossible to find in real therapy.  She was the first to leave so every other loss became heavier because her insight was not there.
This anniversary blind sided me. However, understanding the reason it might be a dark time for me does not define the cure.  As much as I try to imagine  what Joyce might say to me at this moment, I can’t really.  For a depressive that very process becomes a down spiral.  
So here is the point.  No intervention is necessary.  Thank you to all who have reached out, that very act is healing to me. Fortunately I am working the next few nights in a theater variety show on the Gulf Coast of Alabama.  Dr. Greasepaint does come to the rescue and lighten my mood when I am on stage.  Manipulating strangers into my own idea of reality is what I do best.  I am grateful for this gig at this particular moment.  

So, thank you to all who reached out in thought, message, emoji and love.  
As you were,


Trevor said...

Thank you for continuing to share your creativity, in any form.

Unknown said...

Jay dearest,
Joycala loved you and all that makes you tick. She thought all the emotion and jumble is why you are so special. And for all that, we love u too.
Im not sure what she'd say right now but i can picture her with a drink and cigarette looking at you with love, and maybe saying "Good bubbeleh, go to work, l'chiem!"

Philip Grecian said...

There's a line from Hotel New Hampshire (the book) that I remember for myself and offer to others when any of us succumb for a bit to the Big Black Beast of depression: "Keep passing the open windows."
For some reason, it helps...and I can't help but thinking that your depression (and my own) are key to our creativity as well. Perhaps without it, we wouldn't be who we are.

Keep passing the open windows, eh?

Unknown said...

My dearest Jay and favorite cousin.......I wasn't aware of the pain you have been going through and my heart aches for you. I completely understand what you going through due to my lose of friends recently , and one by his own doing. You are an amazing person and I truly believe your friends are with you to try and help you heal.
I love you Jay Kent
Cousin Judy

BT said...

Jay, know that I am sending love to you. I feel you, because I have had a similar half year, with friends dying or suffering extreme illnesses. It compounds on one's psyche. I also have been struggling, and I do not post about my sadness much. I just try to get through it somehow. That's just me. I am so glad you can still work at your craft. I will always be your friend.

American Hearts Radio said...

Sorry for all these losses and thank you for telling others so that they can extend prayers and good thoughts in the universe to reach the world you live in.Your talent and gift keeps you going thru the good, the bad, and the ugly....I understand that gift and thank God for being able to do this...even if its small time showbiz,its still reaching some!You on the other hand reach a wider bigger and more big time showbiz atmosphere and are more than capable to show your gifts by going on and making em laugh. That i
s what everyone here and those that have left us ....would want you to do.I hope someday to have the honer to sit in your audience....wishing and praying for the very best in health and happiness to you Jay,

someone who knows how to bring it!

Diane said...

Thank you for expressing this and sharing. I mourn your losses over the past months, along with those who have expressed their heartfelt thoughts and prayers. I understand your despair completely and the many nuances involved. My son, Mitchell, has spent the last 3-1/2 years in jail secondary to a manic phase of his depressive illness. But, unlike you, he has not had creative outlets for the dark times and indeed has few friends. You have enriched more lives than you can possibly ever imagine and I thank you so much for this. Keep writing, drawing and acting. (Please get that stinking ape Darwin out of the suitcase).

C Lyons said...

Jay I know how hard loss can be. It gobsmacks is right in the face. Not only do we have to face and deal with the loss of the ones we lost but it causes us to face our own mortality. There are no real answers all we can do is carry on. But know that you are truly loved and the world is a much better place because you are in it. You have touched the lives of countless people through your art and talent. They have been lifted by your skill and for that you have been blessed as we have. Thank you for sharing your journeys up the hill as well as down the hill with us.

Al Stevens said...

I understand. In 2003, five of my few close friends died. It took a while to get past that. Not over it but past it. I also know that being onstage has a temporarily healing effect. Even physical pain diminishes when I perform. As we age, we lose folks. It's part of the job. Thinking of you.

Unknown said...

Jay, I have had the good fortune to book you for several shows over a number of years.I have never seen my groups laugh harder than at your shows. And everytime I saw them, I caught something new. Your humor is not only clean, but also very intellectual. You are a true artist (in more than one sense.)

I certainly don't have the answer to depression. However, I find if I can get involved with someone who is less fortunate than me, I seem to forget about MY problems. (Local food bank, etc.)

The Washington Post just published an article on a new fast acting nasal spray, Esketamine, that looks quite promising. Know that you are loved by thousands!
Ken (in Edmonds, WA)