Poop Bags

Everyone is talking politics and nobody wants to, it just seems to occupy most of the conversation, and writings of our Era.  Not me. Not today. I have decided to discuss something different, POOP BAGS.

Bambu the wonder dog.

I will try to tell this story without using the word shit.  However, since I already wrote the word  this may be an exercise in semantics only, not good manners.  However, for the rest of this blog any word written in italics is a substitution for the word shit.

Every urban dog owner knows what a Poop bag is. As the name implies it is a portable device (bag) used to transport dog poop for a short distance to be deposited in a more socially acceptable place than left on the street.  The PB is a protective sanitary barrier between the human hand and dog doody.  It works sufficiently well for that task, usually.  Details to follow.

First off,  I don't like the name, Poop bag for a reason you might guess.  As a ventriloquist I am always aware of words that have heavy plosives consonants and difficult phonetics.  Poop begins and ends with the letter "p" which is one of the no no plosives ventriloquists struggle with.  This is followed by another word beginning with the most difficult plosive, the letter 'b" in bag.  Poop bag is not a word phrase  I would use in a stage act and would not really come up unless I inserted it into a conversation with one of my wooden american friends.  Attempting to be a consummate professional using the phrase poop bag on stage is something I would not do.

The problem of the name was solved recently by my friend Mary Willard.  She gave me some poop bags imprinted with the face of Donald Trump.  The bags are called... dumps for Trump.  So now I just refer to the poop bags as "trumps".  Technically there is a "p" (plosive) at the end of the word trump but for some reason it doesn't bother me to slur that name just a little bit. 

Everyone has their own way of dealing with a trump.  I think I am over cautious in sealing the tump with a good knot in the top of the bag so no accidental contact with the contents can occur.  But for me, tying a knot in a thin plastic bag is difficult.  Over the years of walking dogs I have developed a technique to accomplish the important part of securing the trump.  I twist the top of the thin plastic until it becomes more rope like than bag like, since it is much easier to tie rope than a flat surface. I have even perfected a way to spin the bag using the weight of the contents to twist the top into a cord. After that a knot is easy to maneuver.  With practice the "rope spin"  can be done with one hand.  

This method works efficiently... most of the time.  However when I explain the physics of this technique you will see that there is a flaw in execution.  Twisting the top of the bag causes the package to condense and compact into a tight bundle.  The inertia of the spinning causes the contents to lose it's relative position and order in the cosmos.  It also puts pressure on the trump which it was not designed to handle.  If there is a weak seam, or god forbid a hole in the bag, the deliverable inside the bag squirts out like the last contents of a toothpaste tube, which the law of odds states will happen one out of a hundered times.  When it occurs you find yourself blocks from home with your dog on a leash and dirt on your hands if not your shirt. It is not a pleasant experience.  

So now in addition to walking the dog with plenty of trumps, I also have to carry sanitary baby wipes for the occasional emergency.  Leash, sun screen, a hat, walking shoes, sun glasses, water, trumps and baby wipes are now on the check list before Boo and I can leave the house.  I sometimes feel like Batman suiting up to fight crime every time Boo wants to take a walk. But once again the name Baby Wipes contains two "b's" and a "p" another ventriloquial nightmare.  So, today I came up with the work around solution.  Instead of Baby Wipes, I call them Muellers. Muellers are made to clean up the mess that a trump makes when the pressure causes a breach. Pressure on the thin skinned trump can sometimes cause the contents to spew forth from a nasty break in integrity.  So in addition to carrying Muellers I take one more safety precaution. I check the flaccid trump for imperfections. I inspect the trumps very carefully for tears and holes, I call them tweets, in the plastic skin. 

My suggestion to all dog walkers is to never leave home with out some Muellers just in case the trump fails to do what it is supposed to do; which is be responsible for the stuff it is supposed to keep inside.  

As you were,

Jay