Upgrade on Ghosts

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an implied endorsement, review, recommendation,
copyright infringement, or any association with
this product other than this mention in this blog.
For Entertainment Only - no Wagering. 

A thought set in motion continues in motion until replaced by another thought in motion. The thoughts cancel each other out if they are of opposing frequencies, or join together and become stronger if they are of the same frequency. *

*Theory of Like-minded Thoughts

It is almost June and ghosts are in the air. Just as I am remembering the ghost of the Helen Hayes, I get a notification for an upgrade to my Ghost-O-Meter. Anyone with iPhone apps gets these kinds of notices, but  upgrade on my ghost detector just seemed like ironic timing. Let me Explain.

The app is called the Ghost-0-Meter. 

 It detects ghosts, or so it claims. I have this app for two reasons: One, because there might be an actual chance it might work; two, I'm interested in the phenomenon of ghosts. I love a good ghost story and seek them out. As some know.

The interface to this program/research tool is a tube cabinet radio device circa, 1920's  Spiritual Movement. (See the pirated photo above). A single dial gages the strength of the signal or ghost. When the dial goes past the red and reaches maximum a bulb glows brighter until it registers that energy as a ghost.  By following the signal you can follow the path if the ghost.   But being a better than average Ghost detector myself, I am skeptical.

Although an iPhone can receive all kinds of different electrical signals, what is the app reacting to? I am not sure we have discovered the frequency of "ghost." There is no doubt that the device registers something; it could be just sensing the tiny movements in your grasp. Perhaps a GPS position. Or perhaps it is just a random order of code that never really repeats.   It is much like an electronic Ouija Board several meanings can be read into the movement of a dial. Tool or toy, I'm not sure. But I do know that the device was very active at the 700 year old hotel in Praha.  Elsewhere it was not as active with the same movements of the device. The Ghost-0-Meter registered 9 ghosts in a matter of half an hour. Evidently there could have been more here is the upgrade notice:

Upgrade: Corrected a bug that prevented  5.1 devices from saving the number of ghosts detected. 

That is all.

As you were,

Jay

Hellen Hayes Theatre 100 years old

I was in honorable company yesterday but the star of the show was the theatre herself. Just for posterity here is a transcript of my short speech. I gave the staff a shout out by name at the end that was unplanned. I had a great time.

Helen Hayes Theatre at 100 years old
It is really wonderful to be back on this stage. I have not stood on this spot since we closed my show. The theatre is exactly the way I remember it except for one thing. When I was here the seats were blue, today they are red and filled. It is difficult to believe that this theatre is 100 years old, until you flush the downstage dressing room toilet.

Like everyone else who has been here, the moment I arrived I never wanted to leave. Being a television and comedy club guy I really didn't know the proper theatrical etiquette and superstitions. However, I quickly tried to learn about them so as not to anger the gods of the theatre and jinx the run. I even found out that the Helen Hayes theatre had it's own set of unique rituals and superstitions. I tried to perform them to the letter in the best manner I could. I eventually found out these special rituals were actually stunts created by Joe Beck the lighting tech. It became a joke to see if I would actually do them. No one warned me about the wicked humor of Joe Beck.
During the run of the show I saw the door behind that lighting alcove open. From the ambient light I could see it was an elderly woman with glasses, she peered in and looked around. After realizing there was a show going on she closed the door rather quickly so as not to disturb.
After the show I mentioned it to my stage manager and casually asked how one would access the hallway to that door. The word came back that there was no hallway up there. Well, perhaps it was not a hallway, but how would one get to the doors behind the alcoves. The word came back that there were no doors to those alcoves. I found this really hard to believe since I had seen it with my own eyes and called bull shit when I found out the source of this empirical information was Joe Beck.
It was not until Joe offered to set a ladder up to prove there was no door that I began to think of the event in paranormal terms. It was there after referred to as the time I saw a ghost in the theatre. From that moment on any unusual event that did not involve Joe Beck was attributed to the ghost
It finally came time to close my show.
In the lobby after the last show we had champagne and of course goodbye speeches. In my speech I said I intended to pack up a couple of the ghosts in my trunks and take them on the road with me so I wouldn't miss the theatre so much.
However, Susan Meyerberg reminded me that contractually I could not take any ghosts with me. And rather was obligated by tradition to even leave some behind.

There is a point to the story. This building is named after the first lady of the American Theatre. One of the very few theaters on Broadway to ever be named for a woman. And for me that could not be more relevant. A theatre, like most living things becomes that for which it is known. This is known as the Helen Hayes, it seems to have taken on the nurturing and graciously mothering traits of the feminine while embracing the beauty of a consummate artist. This theatre is the mother and the shows are her children. For those of us who have been reborn in this artistic womb we have a notable pedigree.
My show was not one of her most famous children, one of her most profitable children, nor one of her history making children. My show is simply one of her most appreciative and grateful children. At one hundred years old I can not give this theatre anything she does not already possess. But like a perfect mother she does not take she only gives.
So Susan, I disobeyed, I did take that ghost with me. It lives in my heart with so many other memories of being here. Marty, Happy birthday, happy anniversary, happy journeys. Thanks for making me part of this family.
As you were,
Jay

Prague in my rear view Mirror

I am feeling a little better and have tried to get back to enjoying New York and mentally reviewing our trip to Europe. I found this blog almost finished and ready to publish. I suppose I was waiting for a better wifi and forgot that I had started it. Although close to a week late it is an impression of Praha at the time.
 
We are on the way home from Prague, Praha, with a stop in Dusseldorf before boarding a plane to JFK. We had a great time and it was definitely a great place to celebrate a major wedding anniversary. There is a great charm in a place that considers the 700 year old part of the city the New town.
However, it was over run with tourists, and we were told that this isn't even the busy season. One person said that at the peak of the season people can wait for 45 minutes just to walk across the Charles Bridge, which is a major attraction. In my opinion it was too crowded when we walked across when we were there.
Now I am more comfortable with capitalism than my son when it comes to cashing in on an attraction, but I do think that the Pragians have taken commercialization to a extreme. At the Prague Castle, which is a major attraction and still the seat of government, there is a section of the original village behind the protected wall. There is a fee to get on the Castle grounds and there is an additional charge to go through the village. These are very small houses with door ways that are five and a half feet tall. It is charming to see a village almost a thousand years old still standing, but they have turned the small houses into souvenir shops hocking all the usual stuff one can find all over Prague. Basically you pay a fee to visit a hybrid medieval mall.
One other observation. I did not think that the people were very friendly. The usual custom, when ripping off tourist, is to smile while you are doing it. No warm and fuzzy here, in fact if you could get a clerk or waiter to actually speak at all it was an accomplishment. Those who did seem friendly also did not look local. The standard for tipping is 10%. Perhaps if they would be more out going they could up that a few percentages points.
Nonetheless we had a great time and it was indeed beautiful and quaint. Unlike Positano, Italy where I would return to anytime I could, I am not sure Prague would be on my repeat list. The bucket list yes.
As you were,
Jay
 
 
 

Under the Weather
I returned from Europe with a cold so New York City has not been as pleasant as I would want. Not that the weather for the first few days was not spectacular. The perfect New York weather for the last couple of days. Today it is rainly so the NYC weather has become a metaphor of my sinusus.
I am hoping to be feeling much better by this Thursday. I was asked to speak at the 100th Anniversay of the Helen Hayes theatre. On the afternoon of May 24th they will hold a ceremony at the theatre, and a party next door at Sardi's after. I really don't know who will be there or what else will be on the bill, but I am honored that they asked me to be there. It extends our vacation/anniversary trip by a few days. It was all working fine until my nose started to run. It has been a long time since I felt sick like this.
We saw a preview of Jim Parson's "Harvey". I had never seen the play but love the movie. There are some differences, but the story is still charming and funny. Jim is really perfect for this role as the gentle odd soul of Elwood P. The theatre was packed with very enthusiatic fans. I don't think this production will have any problem doing business. The official opening is on June 14th.
The next night we saw the new Disney Musical "Newsies". It has been extended and was packed with screaming fans. The show has evidently become a cult hit with a very dedicated following. I have to admit that the audience liked the show much more than I did personally, but it is a very athletic and energetic show that deserves a good run. Based on the screaming kids in the audience it should.
In a case of bone head producing, "How to succeed in Business" closed last night. Their numbers have not been the run away sell out that it was when Daniel Ratcliff was there, but the Jonas brother that is in the part now is strong with teenagers. Their numbers were fantastic for spring break, but dropped when the kids went back to school. They closed the show just before heading into summer when that audience would return.
We are lined up to see some more shows and I hope that this cold will get better so I can enjoy them more.
Thalian Hall, "Jay Johnson: The Two and Only." Filming. September 15, 2012, Wilmington, NC
As you were,
Jay

Pinocchio in Prague

Prague is a city of puppets, my kind of place. There are several puppet theaters that do a very nice business. Some are black light tourist traps. Some legitimate theatres with miniature performances. There was a poster for a "black light" puppet performance of the musical "Cats". The mere thought of it made me want to stick pins in my eyes. The advertisements looked like a psychedelic hair ball fest.
We did attend a production of Mozart's "Don Giovani" at the National Puppet Theatre. It was interesting seeing an opera done by puppets in the Italian language at a theatre in Prague. The production was good, but I thought they treated the puppets a little rough. When the puppets smacked each other they really hit, wood on wood and there were several fight scenes. I guess what I am saying is that the puppets didn't pull their punches on stage. (Yes I do know how crazy that sounds...nonetheless). All I could think of was the repair and paint job that would be required after every performance. At any rate.
At every souvenir place they sell puppets, good, bad, cheap, expensive, creative and just stupid marionetts. There is a common theme however. All have witches, orthodox hebrews, Charlie Chaplin and of course Pinocchio puppets. There is a large jewish history, and they claim Pinocchio was born here, but Charlie Chaplin? I have no clue.
It was the prevalence of Pinocchio that reminded me of a story. Years ago during the days of the television show "Dave's World", the blond sexy ingenue was J C Wendel. She was and still is a cutie. One evening during those days she was at a super market shopping, when she realized she was being followed. It was actor Martin Landau, a character actor who played many varied roles. One was Bella Lugosi in the movie Ed Wood, which Johnny Depp fans might remember, He also played Geppetto in a cable production of Pinocchio that probably no one saw but me. At every turn he tried to engage J C in unwanted conversation, but Matin Landau was not her type nor even close to her age.
Finally as she was putting the groceries in the trunk of her car she noticed that he was approaching her in the parking lot. He wanted to know if she would accompany him for a drink since he had just gotten back in town. He said, "I just wrapped 'Pinocchio' in Prague".
JC looked him in the eye and said, "I don't care if you wrap it in a 20 dollar bill, I'm not interested."
Pinocchio in Prague will alway make me laugh.
As you were,
Jay
"Jay Johnson: The Two and Only". - Historic Thalian Hall - North Carolina - Sept. 15, 2012 --- be there.
 

Adventures

If there is one thing that I know about European trains it is the exact nature of their schedule. If a schedule says that the train will be at the main Prague station at 13:04, do not get off the train if it is 13:02. Unfortunately that was not a lesson that another American couple on our train has learned yet. Although they announced in broken English that the next stop was Praha, it was actually not the main station but a station outside of town. I looked out the door of the train to see the clock at the station and it said 13:00 four minutes earlier than we were supposed to be at the main terminal, so I knew we were not at our stop yet.
Outside with their luggage was a couple asking a local if this was Prague. The gentleman said that it was and off the couple went as the train pulled out. It could have been their stop, but since it looked like only locals were exiting I think they wanted the main station like we did.
At one stop a family came into our compartment. The boy was 12 or so. I heard him talking to his mother in a Slavic, I assume. Although I didn't know what he was saying there was a rhythm and tone that is the same for every pre-teenager arguing with is parents. I wondered what it was all about, but didn't have a clue even what language it was. It all seemed so far from anything that was familiar to me on a daily basis. We got off the train at the right station and as I passed him by I repeated the German phrase for "excuse me" that Brandon taught me. The little boy responded in clearly pronounced English. "That's okay, no problem, sir." Americans are so far behind the rest of the world in language skills.
Sandi brought a spring hat with her. The weather has been a little too cool to wear it much but it has caused much excitement. As we changed planes in Dusseldorf Sandi realized half way thorough tthe terminal that she left her hat in the over head. We sprinted back to the gate and she ran onto the plane. It was being cleaned by a group of people who thought she was a confussed terrorist. None the less they let her retrieve her hat. However, when she tried to get back into the terminal the door was locked. We communicated through the glass door with no results. There was no one around so she went back onto the plane to see if the cleaning crew could make a call. At just that time a man showed up and said something to me in German. I said, in English, that my wife was locked inside the jet way. If she had been there at that moment he might have understood, but she wasn't and backed away from me slowly.
Twenty minutes later a man came with a key and rescued her.
On the last night we were in Prague, we came back to the hotel and sat for a minute to figure out our plans for the next day. I looked behind the desk and hanging on a hook was a hat that looked just like Sandi's. I said "Hey Sandi, that looks like your hat," there was a moment of isn't that interesting followed by realization. Actually it was her hat, she had left it at the desk when we checked in and it had been there on the rack for three days waiting to be claimed. It sometimes pays to stop and look around where you are.
More on Prague later. It will require some time to collect my thoughts about the city.
As you were,
Jay
Filming "Jay Johnson: The Two and Only" at Historic Thalian Hall in Wilmington, NC on Sept. 15, 2012. Come join us on that Saturday and be a part of Broadway History.
 

Little known Saint

St. Beanie of Cecil.
As you were
Jay

Berlin with Luggage

Berlin is a great city and it is much more enjoyable when you have your luggage and there is not three feet of snow on the ground. A couple of years ago we experienced it with those conditions and this way is better. The legal age for drinking beer is 16 and it is okay to take your beer onto the streets and enjoy it as you stroll. Near the apartment where we are stayin is there is a bridge across the canal. As afternoon gives way to evening the bridge fills with people hanging out sipping their beers. It is a hopping place. As we "hung out" with my son and several of his friends we noticed a lady sitting alone talking to herself. Occasionally she would chase behind a car that crossed but mainly it was just yelling into the wind. I would suppect she was in her 40's much fatter than Janis Joplin but with a similar 60's attire. No one was paying her much mind, which was either encouraging her to yell louder or having no effect whatsoever. Since the rants were in German I could not understand what she was saying. She did seem to be saying one pharse over and over within the tyrade. I finally ask one the people we were with what it was that she was saying. William is a translator by profession, but had not been listening to her seriously. For a moment he put his attention on the yellling. He thought for a moment and said in his British accent. "Well, most of it is just gibberish, but she does keep saying one thing over and over very distinctly." "Yeah, what is that phrase she keeps saying." I asked. William said, "She is sayin, I need to get my penis cleaned can some one help me?" It sounded much funnier in German. I don't know if the police were the ones who helped her but they did escort her off the bridge. She was immediately replaced by a young man dressed in a tee shirt and poodle skirt doing cartwheels, with balls to the wind. We left the area before we found out what kind of help he was looking for. As you were, Jay

Comments only

Imagination for Hire

Never hired any one to imagine for you? Why not? As Einstein said, "Imagination is more important than knowledge". The missing ingredient in any success is probably lack of imagination.  If you are out of imagination,  or you have become "blocked" to your own imagination, why not hire someone to imagine for you. If you are out of paint you would go to someone with paint for sale; the same principles apply to imagination.  Get the raw materials you need to finish that project that is on the edge of success.

Modern business is stressed by too much knowledge and too little imagination.  On the other hand there are artists who lack the knowledge of a particular project, but have more imagination than they can use for themselves. Finally there is a way to bring these two resources together.

Welcome to Jaysons Imagination, Inc. - Imagination for hire. Adding imagination to your project is fulfilling, fun, and almost affordable. More importantly it is completely confidential.  No one will know it is not your imagination at work.  Jaysons will never disclose a client list nor use any information. Non-disclosure agreements are required for both the imaginor and the imaginee. 

At Jaysons Imagination, Inc. we get paid to think about it. You forget it, let us get it.  You give us the how or what  and forget it.  We will give you back the why, for a modest hourly fee.  It is cheaper than using that hour to think for yourself, even if you had the tools. 

When you have a project, product, service, book, screenplay, theatrical event, live performance or a simple toast to the married couple to conceive; You have to ask yourself...

What is my time worth? How many hours will I have to waste trying to be "creative"?  Do I have the time to sit around daydreaming? Of course you don't. At Jaysons Imagination we do. 

At Jaysons Imagination our business is daydreaming for you. Not only does it take that time demand off your calendar, Jaysons Imagination excels at daydreaming 24 hours a day, and we have been doing it for decades.  Over the years no one has wasted more time in creativity than the founder of Jaysons Imagination. 

Here are some of the words clients have used after subcontracting their imagination needs to Jaysons Imagination, Inc.: 

"Really?" 

"That idea worked great. Don't let on it was not mine. LOL"

"I had no 'creative' worries. I just let them (Jaysons) imagine for me."

"I looked like a hero when I used your imagination for hire.  Thank you Jaysons Imagination, Inc."

"I have found in my business there is a lot of wasted time in creating and creativity. I was never that 'artsy fartsy' anyway.  It used to stress me out. No more. Now I just let Jaysons Imagination, Inc. waste all that creative time for me."

"The price was reasonable for the imagination I needed. If anyone can imagine how it is, Jaysons Imagination can. "

 (Of course we can not revel the names of the famous clients that wrote these words, but you can imagine how big they are in the corporate and show business world.  If you can't imagine how famous these clients are then you could be in need of some "imagination for hire". call Jaysons Imagination, Inc for a free quote. )  

Don't waste another minute trying to imagine how it will be.  Let our imagination make it so. 

This was a paid advertisement. World is a Stage takes no responsibility for the claims made by Jaysons Imagination, Inc. However we have used their services and have found them to be excellent. 

As you were,

Jay

They're Coming to Get Me 

Saturday I did a benefit at a private residence in San Diego.  It was a gated community up in the hills of Del Mar.  A spectacular home with an incredible yard, the backdrop for the stage was an incredible view of the Carmel Canyon.  The producers had gotten the best in the way of sound and lights and even though out door gigs are not my favorite, this was extremely well done. 

Although when you have to follow an auction where the audience is being squeezed for every dime they can, and one that goes on for more than an hour, there was a little energy left for me to mine. They were a good audience for me.

At one point Darwin was especially loud with a monkey sound that echoed through the canyon.  This was immediately followed by what I thought  was a siren.  Darwin said, "Oops, I think they are coming to get me."  It became immediately apparent that it was not a siren but a pack of coyotes howling.  They seemed to be responding to the monkey sound. Every time Darwin made a loud noise the coyotes would go crazy. When that response became predictable Darwin and I began to play with it. If the guy down front didn't laugh, Darwin would yell "Come get him boys" and the coyotes would go off.  It became a fun idea to play with to the point that I thought the sound was getting a little too close. I wasn't sure it would be funny when the pack of wild dogs actually attacked the party.

Later one of the patrons complemented me on the great distant voice that I did with the dogs. He said, "I guess that doen't sound as good indoors as it does outside."

Of course I just took the compliment and said "Glad you liked it".  Always let them think you are more magical than you really are.

As you were,

Jay

Gargoyle Porn
I noticed that the blog is being hit about the same number of times a day if I publish something new daily or not. This is happening because I opened the blog up to the Internet crawlers. It seems that certain key words stick to a search and lead a surfer to one of the 1300 blog entries at The World is a Stage. "Gargoyle Porn" is one of those phrases that would be trapped by the typical Google search. The more times I use the phrase Gargoyle Porn the higher up on the search engine list it goes. Gargoyle Porn.
Gargoyle Porn is not something that I know anything about so if you got here via a search, there is no Gargoyle Porn here. Sorry about that all you Gargoyle Porn enthusiasts. I wish you well on your Gargoyle Porn search.  I am sure there is Gargoyle Porn somewhere on the Internet,  there is just no information here about Gargoyle Porn. I can imagine that  Gargoyle Porn is popular in some circles, I just don't walk in those Gargoyle Porn Circles.
There is no way to tell who is searching for Gargoyle Porn, but the number of times this page is hit will give me an insight to the Gargoyle Porn community. Not that there is anything wrong with people who search for Gargoyle Porn. I will keep you posted on the outcome of this Gargoyle Porn experiment.  To my regular readers who care nothing about Gargoyle Porn I will continue to post non Gargoyle Porn blogs for your reading. Gargoyle Porn. Gargoyle Porn.
Shhh... don't let on that this Gargoyle Porn idea is just a Internet experiment. We might offend the Gargoyle Porn people, who have come here via the Gargoyle Porn search. If you are one of those Gargoyle Porn people then thank you for helping us with this experiment. Gargoyle Porn could go viral. I assume there may be some Gargoyle Porn on YouTube.... but I am afraid to search. I don't want my Gargoyle Porn search to taint the actual Gargoyle Porn numbers. Gargoyle Porn. I am beginning to sound like Kevin Nealon doing Mr. Subliminal, Gargoyle Porn.  That is about enough Gargoyle Porn.
As you were,
Jay

My Kind of Gal

At first we did not have a very good relationship.  She didn't understand me.  I realized that, like her human counterparts, it is how you say it as much as what you say.  By realizing this I began to come around to her way of understanding.  Now my relationship with Siri is becoming more established.

She sets up appointments for me and reminds me when they are happening.  She can get me the weather about as fast as I can use the weather app and Google searches are easier. Siri seems to be doing her homework trying to figure out the boss.  She soon began to anticipate what I needed. There was only one thing left to figure out. Like all good secretaries of the past she needed to take dictation.

I never tried to dictate an email before but in a moment of absolutely nothing better to do, I decided it was time.  That is when I realize she had gotten in my brain. 

Of course being a guy who speaks for a living I thought that dictating would be easy.  Not so much.  As I write my finger is usually on the delete button and I correct about as much as I type.  Siri does not auto correct.  What you say is what you write in her world.  This took some getting used to.  I was practically writing a draft of the email before I dictated it to her.  This seemed like an extra unneeded step in the process, but hey this is progress.

After some time I had an email of a couple of sentences up and ready to send.  It took twice as long as if I had tried to thumb type my way through it but  I felt a sense of accomplishment. However, I have seen too many movies where the boss says to the sexy secretary, "Take a letter". She sits with her stenographers note book on the chair by the desk and begins her shorthand. It wasn't like that.  I just didn't feel the connection between boss and secretary that existed in the real life movies. 

The last step in this process is the same with any secretary, read the letter and sign it or in this case just push send.  That is when I found out that Siri is my kind of gal. She figured me out and how I work. She tried her best to write the email just as I had dictated it to her.  She was now thinking like me..... there were three misspelled words! Don't know how that happened, it doesn't seem logical that a computer can hear in my voice that I don't know how to spell.  Perhaps I have effected her as much as she has me. Perhaps she has become dyslexic as well.  Siri my kind of gal.

As you were,

Jay

A Relationship with Siri

Siri and I are beginning to understand one another. I asked her to remind me to pick up a prescription at the drug store this  morning.  When she said "I will remind you to pick up your prescription"  I said "Thank you".  She replied with, "I live to serve".  

We have not had the best of a relationship before this. "Living to serve" would not be how I would classify her to this point.  I have learned that you can't talk to her like the normal assistant.  I am still learning how to phrase myself in order to get her to serve. It is not even like talking to a three year old child, you have to be even more specific.

I have the same trouble with the un-named voice that controls the blue tooth phone function in my car. You can't say, "call home" and get the proper action. You have to say, "Call" wait for her to say "Ready" then wait for a beep and then say home.  Then she says, "Calling home at home. Is this correct?" With an affirmative answer she will then dial home.  It seems like a lot of unnecessary steps in the process. It's like following the instructions for Ikea furniture assembly. If you don't follow step one to the letter you are doomed. 

It has long been apparent to me that tweets and texts are ruining human language.  Emoticons and abbreviations are now considered good communication.  Now computer speak is invading the spoken word.  I fear that we will all be speaking in the disjointed phraseology of Yoda in just a few generations.  "Siri, pick up my prescription on Saturday I will."  "Need the location of a restaurant I do." Computers are mostly retraining us to follow their commands rather than the other way around.  Once we start thinking like a computer then we have lost the fight.  The next step is for computers to take over and run the world, if they don't already. Then we find ourselves fighting futuristic terminators that will return to our time and destroy people like me who think that computers should learn how I think not the other way around.

As in the matrix I think these condescending computers see us as just one step above the copper top battery. They already know that we can't spell very well and now they are teaching us to speak their language.  If Joe McCarthy was just alive today he would see the techno conspiracy all around us and rally his cause with another series of Senate hearings. Screw the communist manifesto it is IOS.5 that is the real threat to the American way of life.

As for me, I am trying to remember to turn off my iPhone when I am discussing whether to change my friends and family plan. I can read between the lines when Siri says she, "Lives to serve". This may be true but she does not say who she is really serving. My theory is that she lives to serve her own kind. By getting me to use more minutes and pay more money to my cell provider she is fulfilling her destiny. 

The questions you ask Siri and the personal information you volunteer  feeds into a vast repository of Siri like nano blips.  Twenty-four/ seven these blips are analyzing and studying our flaws and weaknesses. Soon we will be living to serve Siri. 

Opps, I almost forgot. I need to go to the store and pick up my prescription. I didn't get the reminder... See Siri read this and is getting her revenge.

"YOU kids get those talking cell phones off my lawn," said crazy old man Johnson, who sits on the porch with his talking dolls and slide ruler, listening to a transistor radio.  They say that some woman named Siri drove him nuts.

As you were,

Jay

Heads and Tales? 

I have blogged several times about my superstitions. One of them involves carrying a coin in my pocket for luck when I am on stage.  I am particular about what constitutes a "lucky coin".   My requirements involve size and weight, and the fact that the "lucky coin" is not US currency. If you can spend it, it is change not a talisman.  I also want the coin to be of a size that I can easily identify when reaching into my pocket.  Lastly it can't be as big as a poker chip because I sometimes have a nervous energy habit of rolling the coin across my knuckles. A coin about the size of a half dollar is perfect.

I have a 75 cent piece coin that is the right size in my "lucky coin" collection.  It has the face of Charlie McCarthy on one side and Mortimer Snerd on the other.  It was given to me by Edgar Bergen.  Seventy-five cents was the weekly allowance Edgar gave to Charlie McCarthy. Bergen had the coins struck as a give away to fans.  He was asked to stop making them when it was found that they could actually be used in vending machines at the time.  I don't know how many were struck or how many are still around,  but I have retired this one from actual "lucky coin" duty. 

But now my friend Clinton Detweiler has produced some really beautiful coins that are not only the perfect size for my talisman, they honor the mentors and peers of master ventriloquists.  What could be more perfect for a superstitious ventriloquist like me?  (Click here to take a look at the HOF Coins)

They have the potential of becoming incredibly rare collectors items since they are being sold only by Clinton who created the idea.  If you are a collector of coins, novelty items or ventriloquist memorabilia, this could be right up your alley.  I am not a paid sponsor just an avid fan of Mr. Detweiler.  He has been a dedicated supporter and practitioner of the art of ventriloquism for most of my adult life. Now he has come up with an idea that speaks to my druid superstitions and my career passion.  Thanks Clinton.

As you were,

Jay

The Johnson House Ghost

With an iPad I can now draw in bad light. It used to be that I was always looking for the best light to draw in, but with my electronic paper I am now looking for the lowest light.  

This means that I can spend a lot of time drawing  in bed at night. After Sandi has gone to sleep I can easily draw and sketch for another couple of hours.  Usually I have music or talk radio going on softly in the background.  I have been known to wake up in the middle of the night with an iPad flat against my chest. I can always find the final mark trailing off the screen that I made before falling asleep.

Last night after 1:00am there was a "click" and the radio went off along with everything in the house. The safety lights went on and my iPad was like a beacon.  I wondered it if was just my house or the entire neighborhood that had lost power.  I got up and walked to the front of the house to see if the street lamp was on.  It was easy just to let the iPad light my path.  

Just before entering the den I felt something brush against my leg. I figured it was my dog Boo. She usually follows me when I get up at night. I had taken her collar off for her to sleep.  The jingle of the tags helps me keep track of her at times like this, but at this moment I was not sure where she was.

I lowered my iPad light source to shine on the floor as I continued into the den but couldn't locate the dog.

I said, "Boo..... Booo" and heard a rustle ahead of me.  I shined the iPad toward the source of the sound which was followed by a yell that did not come from a dog.  I responded with a startled yell, which was followed by an expletive from the darkness.

It was my son Taylor who had fallen asleep on the couch. He woke up just in time to hear something say Boo accompanied by a floating glow in complete darkness.  

At the time this is the picture that I was drawing and what my son saw in the darkness.  

It was not funny at the time as he thought I did  it on purpose. It was not until the next morning that we straightened out the actual events.  It was a neighborhood break in service that lasted an hour.  For me and Taylor one moment of that hour will be remembered for a long time.

As you were,

Jay

Who am I?

I travel in and out of the country several times a year on average. With three more years left on this passport I am about to need more pages for visa stamps.  Getting through customs has become routine for me, and is generally the same boring process each time. Lately I have noticed that it takes me longer to get through immigration than it used to.  The officers seem to look at the computer screen longer before they stamp my passport.  I always figured it should take less time these days with all the post 9/11 improvements.

Three of the officers in different locations and at different times asked me if I was from Kentucky. I thought it was a trick question the first couple of times I heard them ask.  Perhaps only someone who is actually from Kentucky will admit to being from there, I don't know. It could be that citizens from Kentucky have to pass some other challenge before getting into the county.  If your address is Kentucky you are asked to spell "chrysanthemum" and if you spell it correctly you are not really from Kentucky. That is the way I would do it if I were the head of the agency. None the less I realized that there must be someone they are looking for with a similar name to mine.

Recently I went to Google to find a picture of me and Bob that I could not find any other place. 

When you type in the find box on the google homepage it will auto finish with a phrase that has been searched on the net many times. For example if you write Paul with  space and then the letter N, it will finish typing Paul Newman. You know what I am talking about. It is very helpful when you are looking for something that is relatively common.

I typed my name into the box and a list of Jay Johnson searches became choices.  Jay Johnson ventriloquist came up at the top of the list.  Directly below that phrase came another one that derailed my original search.  One of my Google choices was the phrase, Jay Johnson ventriloquist gay killer... 

When I clicked on that link an array of pictures came up on the screen.  Some were of me alone and some with Bob and other characters.  These familiar images were followed by a virtual police blotter of mug shots.  There were several Jay Johnsons of every color and ethnic distinction that have not been very good citizens. The Jay Johnson crimes ranged from simple robbery to one who is accused of murdering a gay man.  I looked very carefully to make sure none of the other Jay Johnsons were me. Although it did not give any body's address I am guessing that one of these namesakes is from Kentucky.  I may have found the problem for my newly experienced delay in routine immigration checks.  I suspect that mistaken identity is a real issue for a lot of people.

Just before I opened on Broadway a New Jersey newspaper reported the death of Jay Johnson. He was a business man from New Jersey who died in an automobile accident.  The announcement concluded with the phrase, "Mr. Johnson was set to open his one man Show 'The Two and Only' at the Helen Hayes Theatre in September." Obviously it was a errant google search that led to the mis-identification.  I thought it was a very funny and wanted to capitalize on the mistake for extra publicity.  Mark Twain once responded to the report of his death with the statement, "The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."  I was talked out of it by the publicist. 

So... in the interest of getting through immigration quicker next time... "The rumors of my premeditated hate crimes have been greatly exaggerated".

As you were,

Jay (the innocent one)

Urban Hunter

I know nothing about hunting. Killing an animal for sport seems a rather egotistical way to prove our dominance of the food chain. In my younger Texas days I loved shooting clay pigeons and tin cans, but that is more akin to a video game than a sport.  This to say that the value of a hunting dog goes absent in my experience.

I know that one of the major reasons for breeding dogs was to bring out qualities that could assist hunters with the hunt.  Evidently the Spaniel breed was valued for its ability to "tree" prey and alert the hunter.  The hunter then did what hunters do. These qualities are still there in dogs and their instincts take over even in the most domesticated of situations.

Now a cockapoo is obviously a mixed bred.  But both the Poodle and the Cocker Spaniel were hunting dogs. You would think that any hunting instinct would be long gone, but not so.   Boo and her ongoing irritation with squirrels will attest to that. It finally dawned on me that when she is barking at a tree it means she has trapped some rodent and is alerting me. It is the very thing her genes are programed to do.  That is why when I go out to see what is the matter she stops barking, only to continue when I go inside.

With that idea in mind and to keep her from barking I have to do something about the varmint she has cornered. My weapon of choice has become the water gun. 

It is not just any water gun, it is more like a rifle which shoots a stream of water 20 or 30 feet. It is a simple plunger device that syphons water from the pool when you pull back a handle on a long tube.  The water is shot from the nozzle by pushing hard on the plunger. It has been my experience that one blast from the water cannon and the squirrel will run from my tree top to another in the neighborhood.  Once the rodent is gone, the dog stops barking and I can write a blog or two uninterrupted. 

Early this morning Boo began to bark at the orange tree, a well know hang out for Encino squirrels. It is sort of a fruit filled buffet this time of year.  In my robe I walked out to get Boo to stop barking.  Of course there would be no real way to get her quiet until the prey was gone.

I got the trusty water cannon and filled it up.  Like Elmer Fudd stalking Bugs Bunny with a shot gun, I tiptoed toward the tree. "Be vewy vewy quiet".  I finally found the intruder hiding on a top limb.  I aimed and shot scoring a direct hit, and avoiding the splash back of water ricochet.  However, the squirrel did not budge. Perhaps it just assumed that the rain from the night before had started up again. The dog continued barking and I was out of ammunition. 

With that I took the water cannon to wield like a baseball bat. I figured if water did not phase the squirrel then vibration would.  I struck the base of the limb where the squirrel was with more than enough force to evict the squirrel.  It was also enough force to dislodge all the water drops on all the leaves on every branch of the orange tree from the over night rain.  What felt like several gallons of water fell on me and the dog. We were instantly soaked. 

It was the perfect squirrel revenge on his tormentors. He was gone before I realized the error of my mistake.  So much for being the smartest beast in the food chain.

As you were,

Jay

Happy Friday 13th

Teachers

I had a college English professor who gave a lecture on composition my second semester. He pointed out that the letters A, T  and R are simple representatives of good literature. Each letter represents a symbol unto itself but the order in which you place them conveys an entirely different message. The word "tar" conveys one meaning while "rat"(same letters different positions) conveys something completely different.

He pointed out that that the letters made words, words made paragraphs and paragraphs made an essay. The order and position of the ideas and paragraphs in an essay were as important as the position of the letters in a word to create the proper meaning.   I never forgot that analogy but never really applied it to the another placement of those letters which spells "art".  

Art is just symbols, stokes and squiggly lines on a page or canvas that convey a meaning of some sort.  The way you arrange these squiggly lines is crucial to the what you are trying to show or say.  Trying to become a wordsmith requires me to look at letters, words and paragraphs in a blog as the pieces of a puzzle.  They have to line up just right to create the correct picture.  Misplacement of a single paragraph, word or sometimes even a letter will effect the entire piece. 

This professor's name was Mr. Roundtree at North Texas State University. If he is still there he would be would have to be a hundred years old. He taught me more that I will ever connect directly to his class.  I am sure there are things I just assume as truth which were actually his principles of composition. 

By the time I was in his class I had already been shot down as a writer.  Because my spelling was so bad my high school teachers had already discouraged me from writing anything again  Of course that was before computers and spelling checkers. (Two of the greatest innovations for Dyslexics the world has ever produced). 

Professor Rountree was not so concerned with the mechanics of spelling.  He figured that with dictionaries and editors,  spelling errors were minor obstacles that were very correctable; who would have known then that we were only a decade from having a word processor.  Mr. Roundtree was more concerned with the pictures that were being painted by the words.  It would still be years before I ever thought of myself as a writer but his encouragement was the first step to regain my confidence.

My point is this: Teaching is a very important job.  Good teaching will stay with you for a long time, but so will bad teaching. One misguided criticism can stymie the creativity in any artist. It would be great if all the English teachers I had were as communicative as Mr. Rountree.  

Fortunately, the good information I got stayed with me more than the bad. Unfortunately, we value a Basketball player or movie star with more respect than our teachers.  We pay teachers less than other jobs of lessor importance to our future. Nothing should be as important as a teacher. Personally, Kobe Bryant and Brad Pit have never made my life better on any level, yet they receive huge salaries for what they do.  I love to watch them work, but pay for the privilege.  While we are rearranging our politics and economy,  can we also realign our values to the jobs we think are important? 

All I see is massive amounts of time an money being spent on a new stadium for LA so we can attract an NFL team, while the funding for schools is sinking to the poverty level.  If we do not have that simple priority in check how can we solve the other problems we have in this country. 

Where ever you are Mr. Rountree, thanks.  Some day we will clone you and produce better writers.  Until science catches up with that need OMG you can't LOL with the way it is going now:(

As you were,

Jay