Trying to Face It.

I haven’t been writing much for the last couple months.  I have been drawing more than usual.  I think Art is a way I can emote while keeping my actual feelings to myself.  Unlike writing, visual art leans to the obscure and symbolic, rather that’s the clear and precise.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but they are up to the interpretation of the viewer.  

My writing comes from my story telling ability.  To communicate a story you must be as clear as possible so the reader can understand what you are saying experiencing or feeling.  Honestly, I have not been eager to share what I have been feeling for the last few months.  Every time I would start to hide my emotions in the tale of a personal experience for laughs, it would fall short. 

Since Valentines Day last year I have lost seven people who were special friends.  Any one of them would have been shock enough to throw off my thinking,  but when one experiences that loss more than half a dozen times 12 months, it is overwhelming. That fact is exponentially true regarding this blog for each one of those friends was an itinerant reader of this blog. 

Recently I posted one of my newer drawings on Facebook. My stability was thin over the weekend. It took an almost insignificant event to trigger a major emotional fall.  The picture was not a cry for an intervention but was a little more revealing than I ever wanted to be on Facebook.  

I was touched by the many comments and messages of support I got from my friends still here. In clearer moments of my life I might be able to understand that the number of friends still here, is greater than the ones who have gone.  Depression, however, does not look at the long odds it looks at the short term loss.  I understand intellectually that is my struggle, to rise above the short term downward spiral of depression.  It used to be easier. 

This week marks the one year anniversary of the first of our friends to pass.  She is significant because Dr. Joyce Ducas was not only a beloved sister-in-law, she was also one of the smartest psychologists I have ever known.  One of her specialties was multiple personality disorder.  As a ventriloquist making a living musing about that disorder we had some “delicious” conversations.  She would have been the first person I would turn to in a time like this.  She knew me and what made my depression tick on a level of love that is impossible to find in real therapy.  She was the first to leave so every other loss became heavier because her insight was not there.

  

This anniversary blind sided me. However, understanding the reason it might be a dark time for me does not define the cure.  As much as I try to imagine  what Joyce might say to me at this moment, I can’t really.  For a depressive that very process becomes a down spiral.  

So here is the point.  No intervention is necessary.  Thank you to all who have reached out, that very act is healing to me. Fortunately I am working the next few nights in a theater variety show on the Gulf Coast of Alabama.  Dr. Greasepaint does come to the rescue and lighten my mood when I am on stage.  Manipulating strangers into my own idea of reality is what I do best.  I am grateful for this gig at this particular moment.  

So, thank you to all who reached out in thought, message, emoji and love.  

As you were,

Jay

Do you believe in Ghosts?

I will tell this exactly the way it happened. Since it happened only moments ago this could be considered contemporaneous memorializing.  

I was sitting at the dining table with my iPad looking over lots of social media well wishes for my friend David Wylie who passed away yesterday. The sky was grey as waves of rain passed through the area.  I admit to feeling sad considering what seems to be an unusual number of friends who have passed away in the last year. 

Suddenly the French door to the patio flew open with such force I was afraid the glass had broken.  As I checked it out I was hit by the gust of wind that had blown the door open. It felt like some unseen intruder was attempting to force their way in.  The first person who comes to mind when I am experiencing something strange is Harry Anderson.  Without even thinking I said out loud, “Come on in Harry.” The wind continued to push against me.

Since David Wylie had just passed I said, “Oh,  and you too Roomie Goober Wylie. Come on in.” 

I then remembered  all the people in my life who were on that ethereal side of existence and I began to invite them all in.  “The door is open, Mom, Dad, Bob, Paul, Bradley, Mary, Joyce, Gerry come on in.” 

It seemed like an endless list of friends as I remembered those who had passed on recently. The wind continued to gust through the door until the last name had been spoken.  And as blustery as the wind was, it stopped. The wind chimes slowed and the smell of new rain filled the void and I shut the door.  I tried to remember if I had left the door ajar the last time the dogs went out... but couldn’t remember, it blew open very hard. 

I sat back down and woke my iPad from its sleep to see a picture of David “Roomie Goober” smiling back at me.  I looked away toward the den with an unfocused glaze thinking of all the departed friends and family I had called by name just the moment before.  There was suddenly a very loud buzzing sound as all the lights in the house dimmed. The dogs began to bark in fear.  Before I could even wonder what it was there was a flash and a boom that knocked all the electricity off leaving a very eerie silence. The only sound was a quick beep to let me know the security system had gone to battery power.  

I immediately thought that lightning struck the house so I ran outside to see if I could confirm it.  I saw my neighbors running out of their houses as well.  They confirmed they had experienced the same thing. The entire block was silent without electricity.  One neighbor said she would call the LADWP to report it.  In the middle of the wet street I walked to a neighbor a few houses the other direction.  He said he had been looking out the window and before the loud boom he saw a transformer spark with a blinding blue light.  I asked which transformer, and he pointed to the one at the corner of my property... the one I was standing under at that moment.  I jumped off the wet street into my yard for safety but also to call the LADWP.  I had my cell phone in my pocket, dialed the number but my phone was dead.  

I went back into the house to make sure  the computers were unplugged so they would not be damaged by a surge when the power went back on.  To my surprise it was already back on.  My son and his girlfriend, visiting from out of town, were bolted out of their room and were wondering what had happened as well.  My youngest son also showed up after working a shift and heading back to his house.  We told him our version of what happened and I set about checking the wifi.  I thought it had been knocked out but after a brief investigation  was working fine. It didn’t even have to reboot.  

I still could not make a call on my cell phone, so I used my land line to call LADWP.  After a couple of long waits on hold the girl said, there had not been any outages reported nor calls about service interruptions in my area.  All was normal, but she said if the power goes out or if I spotted a fire to call the fire department, have a nice day.  

The rain stopped and the clouds thinned to lighten up the mood.  Everything was back to normal except my cell phone service.  Perhaps our nearest cell tower had been affected.  Comparing my phone to the boys cell phones,  iPhones on the same service contract, theirs seemed to be functioning normally. Only my phone was not able to make or receive a call.  

I did everything I know to do, to a non working cell phone, the apps and the wifi were working, but there was no cell service... at all.  The bars would show full strength I would try to make a call and it would not ring.  I watched the top menu of the phone flicker from full bars to “no service”.  I tried to call my cell number from another phone, land line and cellular, I was able to leave a voice message but nothing went through to my phone.  

By this time I had cancelled my lunch plans and decided to take a trip to the Verizon store to see if they knew what was wrong with my phone.  As I was getting ready to leave my phone pinged, then pinged again.  I saw that I had two voice messages.  They were the ones I had left as a test a hour before.  The phone was suddenly in perfect working order.  

It rained hard for a minute, the sun came out and puffy white clouds framed a crystal blue sky. Our latest rescue dog immediately wanted to go outside and sit in a ray of the sun that was shining on the step of the door that flew open. He stayed there for quite some time, oh and the name we gave him is Harry.

Now I know that none of these things by themselves are particularly spooky, unusual nor or they a sign of anything.  Things happen and a case could be made that they are all generally related.  It’s just that they happened when my mind was on my friends who have made a transition to the other side. 

But... 

I have seen the movie “Poltergeist” way too many times.  I’ve seen what happens in that movie when they invited the other side into their house.

I am drawing no conclusions.... it is just the timing of everything that is “odd”. Or as the little blonde girl said...”They’re here...”

As you were,

Jay