Parallel Parking

This is a picture of main street in Skagway. That big white square at the end of the road is one of the four ships that stopped here today. In a town that on the off season has about three hundred residents, the daily influx of four thousand trinket seekers is the modern day equivalent of the gold rush.
They say that the real money of the Klondike gold rush was made by the merchants in the city who supplied the prospectors. In that sense nothing has changed.
Oh and my comment about performing on a cruise ship being maligned by some. I am not one that subscribes to that idea. It is very much like corporate shows, which I also love to do. It is performing under the radar. You don't have to pimp ticket sales and it is not eight shows a week. And compare the picture of a glacier to the Las Vegas strip and it becomes moot.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

Me and Billy

This is a picture of me and my friend Billy Vader, better know as Lord Vader on the Princess line. We had someone take this for us in front of the Hubbard Glacier. Billy has been a headline comic for this cruise line for thirty years. He was there when this was the Love Boat and has worked with every body in the business. He has great stories and being that I love to collect stories pick his memory every time we get together.
I don't know if he remembers all the times he has been to Alaska on a ship, hundreds at the least. But each time we come to the Hubbard Glacier he knocks on my door and says only one word "ICE". We share a reverence and awe of that phenomenon. And you have to get to an open deck. It is all about the sound. The white thunder. There is nothing like it. The rumble and growl of the ice as it calves onto the sea. Hubbard moves about five feet a day which makes it one of the more active glaciers up here. It is not a matter of seeing an iceburg fall it is a matter of how spectacular it will be. Like Billy I will never grow tired of watching it. In the last three weeks I have seen it four times, and will see it a total of eight times before this contract is up. It is one of the joys of sailing up here. How lucky can a guy get to be able to see all this splendor while working at the job he really loves?
I know that some tend to see cruise ship entertainment as the bottom of the show biz ladder, I don't get it. For me there is no down side this gig. My room is not a suite at the Four Seasons, but get a load of the view.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

PS

As you know I have this new BlackBerry. On this trip forgot to wear my wristwatch so I am relying on the phone for the time. At some point on Thursday the phone picked up a signal from ranger station and reset the time from Alaskan, which is an hour earlier than Pacific time to Pacific. I did not know the default was set to automatically update the time zone. I still thought it was set to ships time which stays on Alaskan time for this run.
It happened to be a show day. The advanced modern technology caused me arrive at the theater an hour early. It was like the twilight zone. No one was there, no techs and no audience. For a moment I thought I would be doing show for an empty house without microphone and lights. Very strange, but totally understandable given the nature of our modern communications.
They say that young people are not wearing watches but rely on the automation of the cell phone as their time standard, claiming it is much more reliable. Although that might seem the modern thing to do, I can assure you it may require having apps on that phone which will help pass the time. There are moments when it is entirely too accurate.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

My time

This is the time I like the ship the best. I talked about it earlier. When one set of passengers has left and the others have nor boarded. The ship is empty. No masses of teaming overweight aging flesh trying to elbow their way through the buffet. Just me and my ship. Great feeling of ownership. I like the solemn strolling along the newly scrutinized decks wondering what the next set of audiences will be like.
Last week everyone was disappointed in the general reactions, especially with the early crowd. The resident comic described them as stupid. When they don't get the jokes what else can it be but ignorance? I don't see is as so simple. Weather, show times, average age and so many other factors contribute to the reactions. That is why I love live performing, you can never figure them out till you are up there and even then it is a calculated guess. You can't judge just on reactions. You just have to be ready to do the best job you can with the conditions you are given. Then it is up to the people watching to interpret what it is all about. You just hang your art on the wall and wait to see. Sure it is more fun if they go crazy with laughter. But we are not paid to have a good time, even if some times we do, we are paid to help "them" have a good time.
Still I hope these new people are smarter than the last. They didn't laugh at my jokes those ignorant bastards.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

Glacier Bay

Just got a signal and wanted to share this picture of Glacier Bay from the deck of the ship. It seems that we have great weather for the glaciers and it is rains the other days. I don't know how they work that. It is like the great weather we always have for the rose bowl parade.
It never gets boring out here. Nature is so impressive and awesome. Everyone should see it before it all turned into Taco Bells and Starbucks.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

More than they wanted

I am on the ship as people come back from their tours. I love to sit and listen. Today on one of whale watching tours they actually saw some whales. Usually they surface for a second and are gone. This particular tour was different and the people that were on it we talking.
It seems they got to see a whale for more than a second or two. He was stalking and eventually killed a sea lion. It was gruesome and bloody and as natural as a glacier. Some were offended and turned completely off by the carnage and seemed to blame the tour, as if it had been staged as a show. What were they thinking that this was some Disney ride that features talking whales? They came to see the wilderness and that is what happens out here.
Wonder how many of them would order a sirloin stake if they butchered it at the table. We want what we want when we want it but really don't want to see how we get it. That is my observation fueled by boredom and bourbon and the fact that until tomorrow I am just cargo.
As you were,
Jay

www.monkeyjoke.com

Skagway

First I need to explain. I had to get a new smart phone when I was home. I needed to up grade to one that wasn't powered by D cell batteries. It is a touch screen which I am growing to love. In the mean time, the learner's curve is steep. The auto correction feature and the send key are way to close for my beefy digits. Add to this the conflict between the predictive text and what I want to write. For now I am having to use the delete key very often. The delete key and the send key are also too close for my dexterity. I will learn and the mistakes will improve. I promise to make more quality mistakes in the future.

This the third time in two weeks I've been here in Skagway. It is rainy and cool. For me that over cast sky adds to the romance. There is a correction to a blog last week from here. The tattoo on the shoulder of the waitress at the local crew bar is not simply a big dipper and North star, it is the state flag of Alaska. Being that the tattoo is so close to her ample assets it is easy to miss the governmental Significance.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

Stupid Thumbs

Okay so the Red Dog post was supposed to run tomorrow, but it published by itself. And unfinished I might add. Modern technology is great but my Learning curve is very steep.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

Local color

This is the Red Dog Saloon not to be confused with the Blue Dog Saloon in beautiful downtown Encino, which is the preferred hang out of both my sons. Although it is just a color difference, this liquid establishment resides in Juneau, Alaska. I don't know why this one is famous, but it is. Perhaps because it is in Alaska.
It is so famous that they sell merchandise marketing its commercially. I personally got a short glass from here just to prove I am a world traveler.
Not unlike Planet Hollywood the fact that you have been here is more important than why you came. That is why you need a proof of purchase. A shot glass is the cheapest proof and like many others today I am now an official patron.
The next time you come to my house and say,"Jay have you ever been to the Red Dog Saloon." I cam just offer you a shot from my souvenir fk
www.monkeyjoke.com

Oops

I am on the streets of Juneau. There are street performers all around. I try to give to my fellow performers as a general rule. I came across a guy who wasn't playing or singing. He was a panhandler sitting on a curb and I thought I should help. He looked down and out. I was reaching into my pocket to get some change, when his young daughter came running up to him. "Daaad," she said,"we have been looking for you we have to meet the tour bus right now. "
I confused vacation overload with destitution. Never realize the look was so similar. Glad I didn't give him cash.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

The best sign

I love this. It is a picture of the front of a building on Ventura Blvd near my house. I had to see it a Couple of times before I realized that they were the address and not just installing the address.
Off on the second adventure in Alaska. I have a new smart phone that takes photos. I will attempt to add some spontaneous pictures to my intermittent blog. I am also learning a new keyboard so the maybe shorter than usual.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

Skagway

It is the tradition in Skagway to paint the logo of your ship on the rocks by the dock the first time your ship visits. As you can see this tradition has been going on a long time.  Now it is a challenge to find a spot on the rock that isn't already occupied. Needless to say the easy rocks were gone a long time ago. Just to give  you some perspective this mountain face is as tall as the ship, which is about 250 feet high.

I remember 15 years ago I was on the Rhapsody of the Seas when it visited Skagway for the first time. It happened to be my first time in Skagway as well.

With great interest I watched a couple of guys from the paint crew climb precariously up a makeshift scaffolding to paint the name of the ship on a high rock.  At the time it was easy to spot because it stood out on its own where, "no man had gone before." 

I was determined find that sign last week when I was there again.  It proved harder than I thought.  I walked up and down the pier, but the bushes have gown and the colors have faded so much that the Rhapsody sign did not stand out like I remembered.  

I finally spotted it and was a little shocked to see how worn it was. I understand 15 years in the sever Alaskan weather can do some damage, but this looked like an ancient relic. You can see the faint outline of what used to be the right half of the sign.  The date and three of the letters of the name are gone and what was a hairline crack is now a full blown fissure.

Has everything changed that much in a decade and a half?  Time is so relative, and seems to get more distorted the older I get.  To an 18 year old kid 15 years is most of his life, to me it is just a moment.  For me a decade can quickly go past without much fanfare. Time changes with time. 

I guess the lesson here is: Humans think they are making a mark on the world forever.  As you can see from this picture the earth has a different time table and different set of priorities.  Even when we humans build something that survives only stone remains.  Humans can mark the earth for only a brief moment in time, before she brushes us aside for eternity. 

At first I was appalled that visiting cruise ships would deface the mountain with such high level graffiti, but now I understand that the rocks will eventually erase the trace of the infraction and forgetfully move on.  But for at least 15 years I can say, I was here for the first time, and there is the mark to prove it. 

As you were,

Jay

Marion Glacier

Have a wonderful Sunday... here is a picture I took of the Marion Glacier on a beautiful day in Glacier Bay.  

As you were,

Jay

The Documentation 

This is what I posted in my blog on, Saturday, August 14th:

Whittier Alaska, I don't know exactly where that is, but I can see Sarah Palin from here. We are taking on new passengers under a foggy and ominous sky. 

I took a picture of that moment and here it is now that I can upload it. It was like a post card as you looked out on the bay side town.  I don't know if this is it or there is a bigger town close.  It is romantic and foggy, but this is August, I can't imagine how cold and white it might be in January.  You might just freeze your "romance" off.

Whittier is, I found out, Alaska and therefore part of the United States.  I boarded the ship in Juneau, USA, Sailed to Whittier, USA and then got off a week later again in Juneau, USA. It was like flying from Juneau to Whittier and back.  I might have flown over or in this case sailed by Canada. I never really left the USA. However, I still had to meet with the customs and immigration officials to account for what I might have purchased outside the USA.  I sometimes wonder if the right wing knows what the left wing is doing in this country. Logic and horse sense could save a lot of money.  Amarillo Slim, or maybe it was Titanic Thompson, two equally wise, con-men hustlers said, "Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on what Humans do."

Oh, and in the picture above, the house on the far, far right, a little off plumb, not quite straight and painted red and full of wasted space and hot air - Sarah Palin's house.

As you were,

Jay

BlackBerry Storm

I up graded my blackberry and this is an attempt to send thumb typing to the blog.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

Back for a Moment

It is nice to be in my own bed for a couple of days.  I can reach out and literally touch my wife and roll over with out hitting a bulkhead wall.  My first shower back home, I was too scared to come out of the corner.  The vastness of space frightened me. It is also a shock to look out a square window and see the exact same scenery I saw when I went to bed. 

This is a picture of the Hubbard Glacier from the porthole of my room.  I liked the composition, but that is not the way to view a Glacier like the Hubbard.  You have to be out on an open deck to hear it.  What is known as White Thunder is spectacular. That is the sound that the Glacier makes with the ice cracks.  Not to be confused with White Lightening which makes your head crack.  

The White Thunder is very impressive.  You have to find a place on deck where there aren't too many people talking about their Medicare provider, so you can listen quietly to the affect.  I  just can't get enough of it,  although I will try, since I will see it eight more times in the coming weeks.

Not much new to report. Glad to be home.  I send thoughts and prayers to Dad.  Get back home soon.

As you were,

Jay

As soon as I got back on an airplane all the calm serenity of the wilderness, I just experienced, vanishes. The peace of nature is gone and I am once again faced with humans at their worst, the flying public.

Air travel was approaching the breaking point ten years ago but the magnitude of 9/11 put everyone on their best behavior, for awhile.

But now we have had a decade of the TSA's bullying incompetence, and airport harassment which has not lead to anyone feeling safer. Add to this anxiety the nickel and dime, "stuff them in as tight as you can" airline industry policy and we have finally reached critical mass.

Harvard did a study with rats. They crowded them in tight spaces for hours without food, changed their air pressure and irritated them with electric shocks. In this continued environment the rats turned on each other killing and cannibalizing those around them.

We air travelers are placed in the identical situation as those experimental rats each time we board an airplane.

Ordinary people who might not raise their voice at any other time become rude, belligerent idiots when subjected to the treatment of the airlines. Most every time I travel I see something that makes me want to "pull a Steven Slater". Only I would pop the escape shoot and throw a passenger out, ideally at 34,000 feet.

I don't want to predict doom and gloom here, but the next airline tragedy is not going to be brought on by terrorism, but a passenger going berzerk from being treated like cargo at 34,000 feet. It won't be so much an attack on America as a revolution against American corporate greed. I am shocked it hasn't happened yet.

A service industry can't do this to their customers and not expect repercussions. That is the problem, airlines have forgotten they are a service company, and now believe they are a freight company.

I'm not sure what the answer is but the airlines could start by treating is like clients instead of "seats".

As you were,

Jay

www.monkeyjoke.com

Alaska Wilderness

I have been directed to the local Alaskan sailor "port hang." It is off the beaten tourist street tucked away in a more residential area of Skagway. There are no passengers here, just various crew of four ships in port today. The blonde bar wench wears a red "wife beater tee shirt" that has the word staff printed across her boobs. The shirt reveals a tattoo of the big dipper and the north star on her right shoulder. She must come from nordic arian stock, or she is from Malibu escaping some romance gone bad. When seen through beer goggles she becomes quite attractive. The longer a crew man drinks the more she must push off unwanted and unwarranted advances.
There is no need for the crew to be on their best behavior. Everyone is off duty if they are here. The stereotype of a drunken sailor is a cliche but absolutely true if you walk in.
I flash back to the sea faring days of old, the different languages you hear and the idea that everyone is trying to overcome cabin fever and accomplish the greatest degree of decompression in the least amount of time.
There is a small plaque nailed to the service bar that matches the natural stained wood decor. It appears to have been here a long time. It says,
"Every day of my life I am forced to add another name to the list of people who can kiss my ass".
Arggh maties. Another round of grog for me friends.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

Out of the wild

I have not had a smart phone signal for the last two days. I suppose cell towers on a glacier would not be very environmentally correct.
I am learning to deal with my tiny ship board accommodations. I feel like a dog who has been "crate trained."
Last night after my show I met some fans; two very attractive middle age ladies looking very good. They admittedly had come on this cruise for romance with some single men. I said, "Are you kidding? You chose an Alaskan run where the average age of the passenger is 103 and the average weight is 300 pounds? Why not Mexico or the Caribbean?" They suddenly had the blank stare of cougars in the headlights or maybe it was the liquor.
I have befriended the legendary Billy Vader. Billy is the honorary mayor of Princess Cruise Line. He has been with the company for 30 years. He was the original comic on the original Love Boat, and has basically been sailing with this line since then. He basically lives on the ship for months, and calls his own shots. He knows everybody on every ship. The Captains salute him. In the words of Roger Miller from "King of the Road" - he knows *every lock that ain't locked when no one's around* He guided me through crew areas. I had never seen this area before on any ship. Very much like the steerage scene in the movie "Titanic". Party and rowdiness almost 24 hours a day. It is like an underground world of the moors. They have their own slot machines, pool tables, and bars. I had no idea what went on when the ship is asleep.
More on Billy Vader later his stories are endless.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

Antic-note

I talked about the size of my cabin. The size has some advantages. I laid down on the bed to watch television last night and realized the channel changer was by the TV. No problem I could reach it with out getting up. The bathroom is so small, I dropped the soap in the shower. When I bent over to get it my butt stuck out through the shower curtain. I turned on the water at the sink and flushed the toilet at the same time.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

On the Road

Whittier Alaska, I don't know exactly where that is, but I can see Sarah Palin from here. We are taking on new passengers under a foggy and ominous sky. I love the ship on change over days. It is empty, I am alone. No one around and the crew is very busy getting ready for the next bunch. It feels like my personal Yacht.
Glacier Bay a day ago was spectacular, a crystal clear sky accented by that electric blue color of the ice. Some one said they saw a bear. They thought it was a bear, because a black speck on the shore was moving.
I saw a puffin. A black bird with a beak and head painted by Peter Max. Unrealistic, had to be a Disney creation.
I have been on a hundred or more cruises and never paid for a single one. I did have to work, but my work is a pleasure to me. However, I know some save up for a long time for a trip like this. On deck I heard s lady say,
"Is the glacier under all that snow?" Some people should just save their money and watch the travel channel.
I'm half way trough my trip. Three more shows and I head for home. As beautiful as it is, I miss my family and "my stuff" at home. Tis the cross of all entertainers.
I just completed a week of questions for the Steve Axtell vent Forum. Amazing to be able to respond to questions from people all over the world, while I am sailing the seas. Some great questions that made me think about what I do and why I do it. It was a pleasure, thanks Ax for the invitation. More later as I catch the intermittent internet signal.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

Marketing

I think this is my sixth trip to Alaska on a ship. But it has been several years since I was here. A lot of things have changed in that amount of time.
In Ketchacan (who can spell that) I discovered a new Starbucks. It shares space with a bigger store that sells Eskimo crafts. I thought that was odd but why not, Starbucks are everywhere.
I went in and ordered my usual "grande mocha frap with no whip". The guy said "We have a Frozichino. No Frappachino" I asked if it tasted the same and he said it was the same thing except made with a syrup instead a powder. I said "Okay" and he charged me six dollars. That is about two dollars more than I usually pay, but hey this is Alaska.
It wasn't the same, it tasted different. As I walked out of the store I noticed the sign. It had the Starbucks logo, but in smaller letters it actually said "Serving Starbucks Coffee." It wasn't a Starbucks at all it was an independent coffee bar that bought Starbucks brand coffee. That is the reason for the weird mixture and outrageous prices. They couldn't even call it a Frappachino.
Evidently Sarah Palin is not the only fraud that Alaska has to offer.
As you were,
Jay

www.monkeyjoke.com

Reality

I am on a ship with a line I haven't worked before. I was an addition at the last minute. They met my fee and, I'm a gun for hire so... Take the cash and run.
They didn't have my usual accommodations so I am in the "guest entertainer" section. As I was being helped to my cabin we passed by some small rooms on a low deck, I thought this isn't so bad. But... We kept going, and going, and going to the end of the hall at the very back of the ship. The door marked crew only opened to the "entertainers" section.
I am three doors from the very back. The very anus of the ship, if you will.
The bathroom is smaller than my shower at home and I use a puppet case for my pillow. The space where they store the anchor is next door and it is bigger than my cabin. I rolled over last night and hit the wall with a bang.
However, here I am among my people, the entertainers. That was great until I was awaken this morning at 3:30 am to a hallway full of Russian acrobats singing Bolshevic drinking songs. I was told it was a special occasion and the party didn't normally go that late. They usually start the drinking songs at 2:00am.
Show BiZzzness. How glamorous and exciting. As long as the check clears.
As you were,
Jay.
www.monkeyjoke.com

Alaska

Only two weeks ago I was having a drink around a camp fire with former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens.
Today I was flying to Alaska when I heard he was killed in a plane crash.
The Senator was a WW II fighter pilot and was in a small plane crash in the 70's. He survived that crash but his wife and three others did not.
I did not agree with his politics but our camp out conversations we about other things of life. He was a gentleman. I will miss him although I only knew him personally for a matter of days.
Carpe diem. It is all too short.
As you were,
Jay
www.monkeyjoke.com

Out with the Old 

In with the New 

In my youth I had two pair of shoes.  Black loafers were my preference. One pair was for everyday wearing and one pair was for Sunday.  The Sunday pair was to be kept shined and looking good.  Once the everyday shoes fell apart they would be tossed, and a new pair would be bought for Church. The Sunday pair became my everyday pair.  My loafers usually wore out by starting to flap. I started walking at an early age, and on my toes which I  still do to some degree today.  This caused the sole of my shoes to become separated from the shoe itself and would flap when I walked. My Dad could literally "hear" when I needed a new pair of shoes.  Now I mostly wear tennis shoes, and have several pair of dress shoes when the occasion calls for it.  

Once I get a pair of tennis shoes that work for me I am very reluctant to let them go.  It is only after they fall apart that I will seek another pair to take their place.  In a brief ceremony a week ago I ushered out the old and welcomed a new pair of Tennis shoes.  The new ones become my everyday shoes and the old tennys will be relegated to yard work, painting and other jobs where shoes are expendable. 

So, with proper reverence I said goodbye to the worn out Nike's and welcomed the Reboks into my world.  To document the occasion I took this picture.  Sandi did not understand, nor could I explain my reason for making a fuss.  Goodbye old friends....

Although you can not really read the yellow label inside the new shoes, it says: "Duty Proof".  I am not sure what that means. "Doody Proof" I could understand but question the veracity. "Duty Free" I know, "Fit for Duty" I have heard, but what is "Duty Proof"? If there happen to be shoe experts that know how to interpret this foot wear selling point,  please clue me in.

As you were,

Jay

Are you Kidding?

Yesterday in the LA Times there was a short hundred-word article in the National Briefing section. I love this section of the paper.  These condensed articles fit my ADHD nature by being short and getting right to the point.

This particular blurb reported on the apology given by Irvin Good, Jr, president of GoodTimes Amusements of Pennsylvania. He did not intend to offend anyone with the game he called "Alien Attack" which appeared at a fair in Roseto, PA.  The object of the game is to shoot the "Alien's" with a simulated hand gun.  It seems that some people thought that one of the "targets" resembled President Obama. Here is the official statement from Mr. Good,

"I voted for the man. It wasn't meant to be him. If anyone took it that way, we apologize." At this point I would tend to side with Mr. Good.  In this sensitive politically correct society people can over react to most anything, even the most innocent of intentions. I was ready to take Mr. Good at his word that "It wasn't meant to be him (meaning President Obama)." 

However, there was still room in the short article to describe the alien "target" that caused such a stir.  To quote the article:

The game depicted a black man dressed in a suit holding a rolled up piece of paper labeled "Health Bill". The man sported a belt buckle fashioned after the presidential seal.

Geez Mr. Good how could anyone be confused by that? To quote Racehorse Haynes the flamboyant Texas defense attorney, "don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining."

As you were,

Jay

Good bye to a friend 

I had not planned on this blog,  I don't guess anyone is ever ready for the sudden passing of a friend.  Lorraine Yarnell fell victim to an aneurysm last evening at her home in Norway.  Although I had  lost touch with her, I remember her fondly. Here is a clip of her with then husband Robert Shields composing the team of "Sheilds and Yarnell".

 

For a moment in time the act of "Shields and Yarnell" was very hot.  They guested on the Glen Campbell show for a summer and were offered their own variety show that next fall.  

One of my favorite memories is an extended tour around the country as the opening act for "Sheilds and Yarnell".  We played mostly restored Vaudeville theatres for a week at a time.  Plenty of opportunities to bond with both of them.  Here is a picture from that time which hangs on my wall.  We used to joke that we had the same haircut.

It made for a great show, a silent novelty headliner and an over talkative novelty act opener.  We performed with a full orchestra and it is one of the last times I ever heard the charts for my act played full out.  

Lorraine and Robert were much like Sandi and me.  Robert the hyperactive for whom performing came very naturally, and Lorraine the studied disciplined dancer who spent hours rehearsing.  I adored both of them and they treated me as an equal, not some hired-gun opening act.  They split up the act and the marriage and moved from Tarzana.  I am back in touch with Robert via the Internet and have run into him a couple of time since those days.

Lorraine was the costumed robot in Mel Brooks "Space Balls" voiced by Joan Rivers.  After that I heard she went back to dancing full time and eventually became dance captain on several cruise ships.  I assume she met her current husband on the high seas and they moved to Norway.  

She will be missed but remembered.  

As you were,

Jay